you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
