only if we run a train.
done.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
