mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
