new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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