Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
