I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love having hate sex.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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