i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
