Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize