dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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