your parents love me but you hate me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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