Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
