I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
