When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
