My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
