I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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