I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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