I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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