So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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