the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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