Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
