Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
