Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
