I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
