I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The ass gains better be worth it
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