You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize