Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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