I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
