The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
