if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
