Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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