Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Then you guys just all showered together...?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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