i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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