We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
