She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
