When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
