We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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