I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
