I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
