she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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