shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
