he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
