she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
