Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
