If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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