i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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