So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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