have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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