I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
