well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
