My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
