I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
