sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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