so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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