Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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