Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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