I'm sorry my penis didn't work
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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