I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
