You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
