He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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