You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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