Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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